My submissions for this week’s Big News:

NASA’s Genesis probe crashed into the Utah desert this week after a parachute failed to open. The probe collected tiny particles of solar wind, using bits of pure silicon, gold, sapphire, and diamond. The crash has doubled the value of Utah.

NASA’s Genesis probe crashed into the Utah desert this week after a parachute failed to open. Scientists had hoped to study the probe’s contents in an effort to learn more about how the Solar System formed. The crash may have caused some contamination, though, as scientists had not expected Mormons to play such a pivotal role in the creation of Earth.

Former President Clinton is recovering from quadruple bypass surgery. A hospital spokesman said his condition had been upgraded from “stable” to “fondling.”

The U.S. has surpassed the magic 1,000 dead soldiers mark in Iraq this week. The Pentagon doesn’t assign specific numbers to the war dead, so Mr. 1,000 was either this guy, this guy, or maybe this guy (SHOW PICTURES OF THREE RANDOM SOLDIERS.) One thing is for certain, though. He wasn’t related to this guy, this guy, and definitely not this guy (SHOW PICTURES OF RUMMY, CHENEY, BUSH.)

The assault weapons ban is due to expire on Monday, once again legalizing AK-47’s, UZI’s, and other guns teens have only seen in video games. When asked why he let the ban lapse, President Bush said…

BUSH: It’s important for our inner city youth to see a real AK-47 before they get to Iraq.

Urban hospitals are expecting to see many more cold, dead hands.

President Bush toured hurricane-ravaged Florida this week…

BUSH: (LIKE AN EXCITED THIRD GRADER) Oh, man! It was like, (MAKES BIG HAND GESTURE) Bwooosh! Bam! I saw a house that tipped over, and…and a fence pole that went clean through a tree, and…and oh, yeah. This boat – a big one like Gilligan’s Island – up on top of a tree! This is the coolest. Hey, when does Ivan get here?

A University of Maryland poll shows that people around the world want President Bush out of the White House, by a more than two-to-one margin. Fortunately for Bush, the U.S. appears to be the only country that’s into forcible regime change.