Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito attempted to distance himself from a 1985 job application in which he opposed abortion. Said the judge, “Look. That was a long time ago. Yes, I wrote that I’m proud to be pro-life on that job application. But you know how it is. You tell your potential employer what they want to hear. And it worked. I was at that Carl’s Jr. for five years.”

FBI agents have arrested a bank robber known as the “Cell Phone Bandit,” so-called because she was always on a cell phone while committing the crimes. In her defense, the woman said she had totally zoned and didn’t even realized she’d robbed the bank until after she was outside and driving away.

A judge declared that Stephen Cohen, who stole the domain name and made $65,000,000 from the con, will remain in jail until he reveals where the money is hidden. So far, Cohen has been uncooperative, but acting on a tip, investigators are looking for a freshman co-ed at your local college who has just set up a new web cam for her and her sexy friends.

The San Francisco City Council enacted an ordinance requiring all Pit Bulls to be spayed or neutered. No Pit Bull advocates spoke up against the bill, as they had all been mauled.

President Bush is visiting Japan this week and will sit down for talks with Prime Minister Koizumi. A spokesman for the Prime Minister said he hoped that, finally, on this, their eighth meeting, the President could finally get beyond the topic of Koizumi’s hair.

Microsoft has announced its entry into the high-speed super-computer business. Company engineers claim that a super-computer running their new Cluster Server 2005 software is over 100 times faster at crashing horribly.

Sony BMG Music has confirmed that some CD’s it sells have copy-protection software that can act like a virus when played on a personal computer. Purchasers of the new Celine Dion CD have found that their computers are slow, files seem to go missing, and a back-door has been left open for other viruses. A spokesman for Sony BMG said, “Wait a minute. We didn’t put that software on the Celine Dion CD. That’s just what happens when you play a Celine Dion CD.”