An 86-year-old woman in North Carolina was arrested after calling 911 20 times in 38 minutes to complain that her pizza was late. She was charged with misuse of 911, but avoided a more serious charge of resisting arrest, because the cops didn’t arrive in 30 minutes or less.

Lexus has scored top marks in quality from the latest J.D. Power and Associates survey. GM also made quality gains with its Hummer brand, with more respondents than ever claiming that the SUV helps them forget they have such a tiny penis.

A California court has refused to lower the $500,000 bail for Anna Ayala, the woman who claimed she found a finger in Wendy’s chili. Police are now certain that she planted the finger herself. A distraught Ayala said, “Jeez. When I planted that finger I didn’t think it would cost me an arm and a leg!”

Macaulay Culkin took the stand at the Michael Jackson trial to deny that the singer molested him when he was a boy. He told the press, “I don’t know how many times I can say this. Michael Jackson absolutely, positively, 100% almost never molested me. Sheesh!”