It has been revealed that Russell Crowe was the target of an al-Qaeda kidnapping plot early in 2001. However, after tailing the spoiled, bad-tempered star, the terrorists decided it would be less trouble to just crash some planes into some buildings.

Scientists have solved a 3,300 year-old mystery, declaring that King Tut was not murdered, but probably died due to an infection after a broken leg. The results will be published in this month’s Journal of Things that are Kind of Cool, but Ultimately Meaningless.

Florida farm workers have ended a three year boycott of Taco Bell after the company agreed to pay more for tomatoes from the state. Taco Bell also pledged to help improve the lives of farm workers nationwide. No word yet on whether this will stop Taco Bell food from tasting like shit.

AOL has announced plans to offer telephone service over high-speed internet connections. Analysts warned, however, that depending on AOL for your phone service is as crazy as depending on AOL for your AOL service.

Pope John Paul II has, for the first time, delegated senior cardinals to preside over most of the activities he normally leads. Cardinal Sodano will handle activities relating to treating women as second-class citizens, Cardinal Antonio will lead efforts to compare abortion to the Jewish Holocaust, and Cardinal Paulo will forbid the use of birth control and encourage couples in poor countries to have at least 10 children.