Teabaggers in Iowa Bring the Wacky

2. America is good.

Much like in Maine, the teabaggers appear to have taken over the Iowa GOP. Adopted in June, the GOP platform’s 387 planks cover everything from the status of manure…

2.08 We support the definition of manure as a natural fertilizer.

…to the obvious need to abolish the IRS…

13.09 We support the abolition of the IRS.

…except when it doesn’t…

7.17 We believe that the IRS should be encumbered with the same burden of proof as other agencies, institutions, and individuals.

And then there is this:

7.19 We call for the reintroduction and ratification of the original 13th Amendment, not the 13th Amendment in today’s Constitution.

The original 13th Amendment says:

If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive or retain any title of nobility or honour, or shall, without the consent of Congress accept and retain any present, pension, office or emolument of any kind whatever, from any emperor, king, prince or foreign power, such person shall cease to be a citizen of the United States and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them.

It was proposed way back in 1810 as a way to make sure people with ties to English nobility couldn’t hold office… or even be citizens (I’m greatly simplifying here.) Before it could be ratified by 3/4 of the states, the War of 1812 came along and put everything on hold. After the war, British xenophobia must have waned, because no more states voted on it. It became an historical footnote.

So why do teabaggers care about it? Aha! Because Barak HUSSEIN NObama received a Nobel Peace Prize, and the Nobel committee is appointed by the King of Norway, and so that means the Nobel is a “title of honor… from… [a] king!” And that means Obama can be stripped of the Presidency – and his citizenship! (even though he’s Kenyan.)

Used teabags can also be used as a natural fertilizer.

Where did this 13th Amendment idea come from, though? As with all things teabag, it starts with a doofus. In this case, it was a guy back in the ’80’s who decided that the Amendment had actually been ratified way back in 1819. And that meant that almost every politician since then – by virtue of belonging to the International Bar Association or the International Bankers Association – was actually not a citizen of the U.S. and could not hold office. So every law, every act since 1819 would be null and void! No IRS! No freed slaves! No uppity women voters! And since Iowa was illegally admitted to the Union in 1846 by foreign terrorists, no Iowa!

So there you have it. The Iowa territory still belongs to the U.S., since the Louisiana Purchase happened in 1803. But California wasn’t captured from the Mexicans until 1848. So I guess I’m now an illegal alien living in Mexico. You’ll find me with a bunch of other guys in jeans and trucker hats loitering outside the Apple Store, waiting for someone to pay us to help set up their wifi network.

Cribbed from Newsweek, the actual Iowa GOP platform, and Jol A. Silversmith (probably “Esquire,” and therefore a foreign devil.)

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