News from Late August

Klaus Wowereit, the mayor of Berlin, has been criticized for sending an official welcome message to the city’s annual S&M festival. Members of the mayor’s own party said the welcome was inappropriate. The mayor apologized, saying he had been a bad boy and deserved to be spanked.

Japan has announced plans to build a rocket capable of reaching and re-supplying the International Space Station, thus lowering its dependence on Shuttle flights. The Japanese rocket is expected to be safer than the shuttle, as instead of foam, it relies on origami.

Takeru Kobayashi of Japan has set a new world’s record by scarfing down 100 pork buns in 12 minutes. Analysts say this is a dark day, as Japan has usurped America’s last area of undisputed dominance.

The nation’s poverty rate rose to 12.7 percent of the population last year, the fourth consecutive annual increase. Many Americans failed to notice the rise, since most of the poor people are over in Iraq.

The pilot of a small plane in Australia sparked a terrorism alert after he accidentally used the radio code word for a hijacking. After watching the plane for a couple of hours and seeing no problems, the alert was canceled. Since this problem has happened before, Australian officials are now considering changing the secret word to something other than “beer.”

A stalker was charged with breaking into Jennifer Aniston’s home this week. Adding insult to injury, it was revealed that the man was actually a Brad Pitt stalker who, you know, just hadn’t heard yet.

According to a new study, the poor quality of movies is the main reason for the recent box office slump. Studio executives were quick to discount the study, saying they’re certain people will be willing to pay $11 to see “Maude: The Movie.”

Steven Spielberg has set his sights on another 50’s sci-fi classic, signing on to produce “When Worlds Collide” for Paramount. Spielberg plans on continuing his recent casting strategy by giving major roles to Courtney Love, Crispin Glover, and Gary Busey.

A new study shows that cell phones do not cause cancer, at least not in the first ten years of use. Unfortunately, this means that the fucking asshole at the light in front of you isn’t going to be dying a lingering painful death anytime soon.

On Tuesday, President Bush likened the war in Iraq to World War II. However, there is one major difference: In World War II, we were fighting the Nazis.

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