February 24th News

A Buddhist monk looking through a medicine cabinet mistook a tube of superglue for eye drops and accidentally glued his eyes shut. Doctors have managed to re-open his eyes and say it could have been much worse, as the monk suffers from hemorrhoids.


Seeking to rebuild ties, President Bush and German Chancellor Schroeder said that they want to emphasize those areas on which they agree. The two leaders stated their agreement that Iran should not develop nukes, and that ice cream is yummy.


Nigeria’s President Obasanjo has opened a national political conference which could lead to constitutional changes in the troubled country. Opposition leaders stayed away, however, claiming that the country’s problems could be solved if please you would let us use your bank account for moving 20 million U.S. and you would get a significant finder’s fee.


US marines were ambushed in the western Iraqi town of Haqlaniya, just one of several towns where rebels have been in control for months. The marines entered the town in an attempt to clear out the insurgents as part of Operation Whack-a-Mole.


Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler and his wife are getting a divorce. According to court documents, Mrs. Tyler wants out of the marriage because, “dude looks like a lady. An old lady.”


The Pentagon says it is revising interrogation policies to more closely match the Geneva Convention. For example, body cavity searches will only be conducted when there is a reasonable belief that the detainee is concealing contraband. In a related story, internal organs are now considered contraband.


Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin has decided not to participate in the Star Wars missile defense system. Instead, Canada will continue to pursue its current strategy of not pissing off every fucking country in the world.


A new poll shows that Arnold Scwarzenegger’s job approval rating is slipping from the lofty heights it enjoyed during his first year. Analysts say the Governor’s honeymoon period is over, and warn he may be entering his “Last Action Hero” period.


The Supreme Court ruled as constitutional an Alabama law that makes it a crime to sell sex toys and vibrators. In a related story, a government study has named Alabama the “most tense state.”


The Pope says in his new book that gay marriage is part of a new “ideology of evil,” and that abortion is comparable to the Holocaust. Oh, Grandpa!


The National Hockey League officially cancelled its season this week after players and owners failed to reach a pay agreement. A spokesman for the NHL Fans Association said, “All ten of us are deeply saddened.”


Togo’s military has agreed to return the country to “constitutional order” after originally supporting a coup by the son of a former president. Togo’s army is expected to leave the capital and resume making quality sandwiches at a reasonable price.

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